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Uh Oh. | maryryan's Blog


Yesterday, DH and I were at his urologist's for a post-surgical check-up.  At the end of the appointment, DH asked the doctor if he was the person he would see for other urological issues he was having.  The doctor asked for a little more information and DH stumbled over stating an issue or two; and one of the issues he mentioned was...

Erectile Dysfunction.

I asked DH if he wanted me to leave the room (God forbid we talk about ED between us) and he said no, he and the doctor would meet on this another time.

Crap.

Does this mean he is thinking about trying to resume our sex life???

I have such mixed feelings.

On one hand, I was very touched that he would want to try after all of this time. Not too long ago, he became aware that I have engaged in extramarital activity. He was shocked (SHOCKED, I tell you!) that I would go "outside of the marriage" for sex.  I asked him how fair it was for him to hold my sexuality hostage...that he didn't want to have sex with me, but didn't want anyone else to have sex with me either. I told him that I was sorry if I hurt him, as that wasn't the intent...but that overall I wasn't sorry that I had done it because I needed to do it for myself; to understand myself as a woman after all of the years he has rejected me.  His possible interest in having sex life now is bittersweet in the face of this discussion.

On the other hand, I fear that the sex we end up having will be routine and dispassionate; in addition to feeling like 'duty sex'.  The train may have left the station...

Well, we all know that thinking and doing are two different things, so I will see where this goes.

(sigh)

This Blog Entry's Comment Board (27 comments)
1-20 of 27 Comments   

maryryan
Posted on 05:22PM on Nov 3rd, 2011
Have any of you "triers" found that the sex could actually be good?? Comments are appreciated...
Warriorpoett
Posted on 08:29PM on Nov 3rd, 2011
The problem is all the baggage running around in our heads. If you can leave all the crap sitting outside the bedroom door and just take it for what it is then it's possible to enjoy it. It's probably not going to be world class and after so long it's likely that there will need to be some practice before it gets to the descent level. The problem is that our damned pesky minds keep throwing monkey wrenches into the works which raises the level of difficulty even higher. I've been struggling with this for a while also and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but it's that mental thing that always is the culprit. Good luck if that's what you want to do MR I hope if you go there it works for you. Somebody needs to get lucky around this place.
maryryan
Posted on 09:00PM on Nov 3rd, 2011
Thanks, Fy...I get lucky, just not with my husband...lol...I crack me up!
meerin
Posted on 09:26PM on Nov 3rd, 2011
It is odd to attempt it again and my h and I weren't sexless as long as you two have been. It's awkward in some spots, especially because my own mind trips me up wondering if he's really attracted to me or just doing it because he feels he has to.

On the upside, the sex is much better than it had been. He is showing effort to please me and being more passionate. I do recommend a conversation beforehand so that he knows it might take time for you to feel comfortable.
LaoTzu
Posted on 09:41PM on Nov 3rd, 2011
If, and this is a very big if, your spouse begins to try to reconnect with you, you have a few hard truths to face:
1. do you still want to try without reservation?
2. will it be enough?
3. which segment of the hokey pokey will you be in - part in/part out or all in/all out?

Be well
maryryan
Posted on 11:11PM on Nov 3rd, 2011
I love you guys...I really do.
Oldandgone
Posted on 02:20AM on Nov 4th, 2011
LT said it so well.

its time to decide - can you do this anymore? and by this I mean the marriage? Can you go all in? Because that is the only way to honestly go after this.

If you can't go all in then what?
PrincessMore
Posted on 11:01AM on Nov 4th, 2011
The fact this blog is titled "Uh Oh." answers all the questions anyone would have, IMHO.

Princess ForestOrTrees
enna30
Posted on 04:00PM on Nov 4th, 2011
MR, do you think this might be because your DH wants to show his gratitude to you for standing by him during his illness? It might be his way of trying to show you he really appreciates what you've done for him . . . NOT sure how this affects the outcome for you though.
zorbas
Posted on 04:39PM on Nov 4th, 2011
I think that your appraisal " that the train has left teh a station" is probaly closer to reality. After a sexual privation that existed for years within a relationship it is almost inconceivable to believe that it can ever be resurrected to its original status. , even minimally. Even if it is attempted it may just rekindle an underlying disdain that has been allowed to fester.

His latest attempt though nice could merely be a ploy on his part to maintain your partnership. but may be a gesture just too little and too late in coming.

You may be the caring and thoughtful woman , that we all know you to be, but supporting him in his potential illness is one thing but resuming a rekindled sexual intimacy is another.

I do wish you both well.
meerin
Posted on 04:57PM on Nov 4th, 2011
Oh, and you have my batphone, too.
maryryan
Posted on 09:42PM on Nov 4th, 2011
@Enna; it's definitely a sign of positive intentions...and we all know the road to hell is paved with them. Truly, though, I was touched a little by him asking the doctor about it.

@Princess: The title refers to the experiences that others have had...the others who have finally gotten what they begged, pleaded and prayed for...that their spouses would have sex with them. Only to find it was ****. In general, though, you're right. With all the respect in the world, I think of this as WISIWIG syndrome. Poor Wisi was having slamming good sex with her affair partner, then her H found out and wanted to try. And...well...(sigh). And some of this is technical. If I thought he could be a passionate lover; as passionate as some of the men I've been with lately, I'd want him to bring it on. But he's not gonna go there. It would be a miracle if he'd even be able to get it up enough to make love to me; expecting anything else is...well, not realistic, IMO.

@Zorbas: My friend and mentor. The wisdom oozes from your soul and I am happy to be the recipient of it. On the day of his recent surgery, I was positively distraught when it occurred to me that I may not have enough love for him to support him as fully as he should be supportive during his health crisis. The funny thing...He has told me that he was blown away by what good care I took of him. Damn, I felt I was totally being self-centered and selfish. He has no idea how much i really COULD love him. The meagerness of my love at this point could be enough for him and that's a little scary.

@meerin: Yes, it's time sweetie...

@Lao...loving the Hokey-Pokey notion. Sounds like a blog post that you should be sharing with everyone...a useful construct.

@ET: Do I even have to say how big you rock my world? I have to think about "when" and "how".

Interesting...a couple of weeks ago, when the two of us had the conversation about my extramarital activity, I realized that I don't want to stop. That if he asked me to choose between affairs and him...I'd choose the affairs. They better suit my needs than the marriage does. Is that short-sighted? Really, I am with any man currently for fun and excitement...and a sexual release. I don't want to lose that now. My therapist opined that I might want to stop for a while. I replied "No! It's one of my few sources of joy right now...no way". That was telling...
FriendofPromise
Posted on 09:45PM on Nov 4th, 2011
That last paragraph you wrote...

"Interesting... "

Well, that covers it... I'd be willing to bet that he will want fidelity in return for his efforts... and that would be... not what you want.

What that will mean for your marriage... uh oh sort of covers it, as understatements go...
maryryan
Posted on 09:50PM on Nov 4th, 2011
You know, FOP...I wonder if he really does want out and can't admit it. During our recent discussion, I opined that perhaps he should really be with someone who he can love and be attracted to more than me. He just kept saying, "I have always loved you, MR; always". And I said, yes, and I love you...you love me in the way you can, but not in the way in which I need to be loved. (ok, whenever I say or write that, it brings tears to my eyes...) He is big on marriage being for life. When we separated and reconciled in the mid 90's, his super-Catholic mother took great pride in believing that she saved our marriage...that she convinced him that we should be together. I ran this by him and he was appalled and said that was not true in any way...that staying together was what he wanted. Another thing that makes ya go "hmmmm".
FriendofPromise
Posted on 09:58PM on Nov 4th, 2011
I don't get the feeling from anything I'm reading here that he wants out...

...more along the lines of... he wants you in... sans affairs.

Since that is diametrically opposed to what you want... you have a classic rock and a hard place in the making.

Toss in a little "life threatening illness"... and you have a psychological mess that I don't begin to be qualified to understand.

Translation: Hmmmmm, indeed...
sexlessinTX
Posted on 10:09PM on Nov 4th, 2011
In my experience when ED is being dealt with sex can be good and passionate. However, your H actually has to start taking the meds and most men seem not capable of such sacrifice. Besides, now that you have tasted the forbidden fruit, I doubt you will find your H as exciting as your lover. Given experience of ILIASM ladies who struggle with ED I don't think you will have a hard choice to make. Most of us just watch ED meds expire in our medicine cabinets...
maryryan
Posted on 11:10PM on Nov 4th, 2011
@sexless...exactly. He had gotten the little blue pill sometime in the 90s...never took it.

Interestingly, I have had lovers with a touch of ED. They find a way...sex people definitely find a way (I think I posted an anecdote related to this in a story this week...) I'll see if I can find and repost here. It's important.

@FOP: Your comments make me feel better that I really am in a quagmire, not just thinking that I am...odd, that, but true.
FriendofPromise
Posted on 11:13PM on Nov 4th, 2011
I get that... it's comforting to feel that you aren't just making a mountain out of a molehill... that others recognize the dilemma...
Waiting4What
Posted on 11:39PM on Nov 4th, 2011
I am a "trier" and no, the sex is not good. It's partly because things are awkward after 8 years without sex. But part of the problem is definitely in my head, the baggage that WP spoke of. I don't trust him and don't really desire him.

Don't worry too much just yet, talking to the doctor and getting the pills can be a long way from actually taking them and initiating sex.
maryryan
Posted on 11:44PM on Nov 4th, 2011
Yeah, Peach. For so long, I didn't want to end it...

But now...ARGGHHHH!

I have always said that I was willing to pay the price for my indscretions. That is very liberating. DH can't hurt me anymore.

Here is the comment I made earlier this week. It was on Lao's story "MacGyver is a Sex Person":

"So I was with a partner the other day and he was having an ED issue. He was concerned that he hadn't satisfied me. I reminded him that he had just spent a good 30-45 minutes paying focused and exclusive attention to my (ahem) and I "enjoyed" myself at least twice. I also said, "REAL sex people find a way" and I assured him that he was amazing because he was.

Then we played some more and he rose to the occasion..."
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